Beginner Lessons: Calming the Critic

A few months ago, I joined Abundant Peace Internal Arts School and started my learning journey into the martial art of Aikido. In this new practice I am learning about learning and about myself.

First lesson. I STILL have my stories about being a beginner. Sure, by definition, a beginner is not SUPPOSED to know things.  But tell that to the voice in my brain that’s saying:

“Why can’t you remember that? You should be able to remember that.” 

or “You’re too old for this.” 

or “You’re holding others up because you’re so slow/unskilled/clueless.” 

Yes, the inner critic is alive and loves to ride along with beginner me. A big problem with the inner critic, apart from the obvious goal of getting us to quit before we start, is that her messages put us in a fearful, triggered state.  When fear is running through me, I am biologically unable to access the rational, executive thinking part of my brain.  I am not able to learn.  

While I’m tempted to give my inner critic a good swift punch to silence her, swift isn’t a part of my fighting repertoire yet and besides, Aikido uses the energy of the attacker to redirect and neutralize an opponent. So instead I listen to my critical voice to let her know I hear her, then gently redirect her with more rational perspectives: 

“It’s ok, there’s a lot to learn, be patient, it will come.”  

“I’m proud to be learning new things at any age, it keeps me young and interested in life.”

“Others benefit from teaching me. They slow their practice down and get deliberate; my pace helps them see their own practice more clearly. I'm actually helping them.”

I get that the critic’s job is to keep me safe from the terrible threats out there – in this case, the psychological threat of looking stupid. To clarify, not a single one of my new Aikido colleagues has been anything other than supportive and patient. Each of them tells me about the beautiful, challenging, ongoing learning journey that is this practice. They accept me for where I am on this learning curve (at the beginning!) My stories and judgements are my own old messages that require some updates.

So, getting in my car and showing up, knowing I’ll probably feel unskilled, unaware, and clumsy, has been a lovely reminder that I can survive the discomfort of the beginner. And you know what? I’m enjoying it. The discomfort is well worth the joy that Aikido is already bringing.  This experience has given me practice recognizing and calming my critic when she shows up in other areas of my life. Because she inevitably shows up. Her role is to keep me safe, and my role is to live life fully.

In what realms of life are you a beginner? Is your inner critic coming along for the ride? How do you hear and respond to this voice?